Monday, August 14, 2006

NIMBy-ism (Not In My Belfry)

Dear Bats,

While I realize your purpose in the whole Circle of Life, your place in the food chain, I must take this opportunity to tell you that you have no place in my home. Yes, I know you eat potentially disease-ridden mosquitoes and other pesky bugs. I also know that you really don't want to be in my bedroom in the middle of the night any more than I want you there.

I'm sorry that our culture has given you a reputation that is often associated with insanity and blindness (ie: batshit crazy, batty, bats in the belfry, blind as a bat). I'm sorry that you are often associated with vampires. I believe, though, you kind of brought that one on yourself- what with your fangs and all- and your wings really do look like a cape.
The local media has had a heyday with your kind- portraying you as rabies-crazed monsters that need to be gotten rid of. I know how it is- a few of your species get something like rabies, and pretty soon you're all labeled. It's like us and AIDS or lice or strep.

I'm sure that you are more much like Stellaluna than your crazy friends we see in movies, flapping around, terrorizing people. (Ok, I don't actually know of any movies offhand where bats terrorize people. You guys just have that image. Sorry about the species profiling.) I think it's cool that the word for you in Spanish has all of the vowels in it. Murcielago. I like using cute images of you as a decorating accent around Halloween. Hey, you even have a superhero created in your image. But, you need to stay the hell away from my house. Sure, the attic is just used for storage. Do you know why? I know you and your friends are up there. I see the mess you leave. I can't very well have my kids play up there on rainy days with the trail of turds you have left up there, now, can I?

Well, my husband hopefully sealed up every inch of the attic to prevent you from getting in. He even tried this stuff, which is basically just mothballs. It worked at our old house where we had one of your distant cousins who knew no boundaries. Yeah, I know it's stinky, but it sure beats a fatal blow to the head with a tennis racquet, no? Why don't you try one of the new bathouses my husband hung on the side of our house? They were custom built to suit your needs- unlike our attic, which was built to suit human needs. They are also much more accessible to your food source, and there are no pesky ceiling fans.

So, is it a deal? You need to go be with your kind. It's time. And, you need to stay the fuck away from the inside of my house. You dig?

Thank you.

The Management


Blogger Pendullum said...

Hope they dig...
Can not imagine going into my bedroom and being confronted with a bat...
But I think if bats could read you certainly posed a very good agrument for not messing with you!!!

8/14/2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Do you think they can read a notice that long? I hope so.

And where did you post it? (Omigosh ... you don't suppose there's any truth to the saying "As blind as a bat" do you? What if they're blind and can't read your post??)

To Love, Honor and Dismay

8/14/2006 8:09 PM  
Blogger Mister Teacher said...

You can expect to hear from my lawyers, you dispicable batsist...

Batthew "Bat" Kaav

8/14/2006 9:51 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

I never knew there was such a thing as a "bathouse"... I am more in the "fatal blow to the head" camp!

8/14/2006 10:12 PM  
Blogger Mr. R said...

When I was growing up there was a problem with bats flying around at night and just smacking into people. I never really figured out what they were doing. I guess that bat sonar isn't that great after all.

8/15/2006 8:35 AM  
Blogger NYC Educator said...

That's hysterical. You've put a lot of thought into this. And clearly, you're a better human being than I, who'd reach for the Yellow Pages, call an exterminator, and give no notice whatsoever.

8/15/2006 9:28 AM  
Blogger happychyck said...

Well, if you would have just notified them sooner of your issues...LOL!

8/15/2006 12:25 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Bluebird said...

Your post brought back memories of when we discovered an entire colony of bats in our attic! Great writing!

8/15/2006 9:16 PM  
Blogger zygote daddy said...

Aw, bats aren't that bad. They're like little fuzzy mice with wings. Unless you don't care much for mice either, in which case they're more like little puppies with wings. How could you think ill of puppies!? What kind of person are you!? :)

8/16/2006 8:40 AM  
Blogger liberalbanana said...

Ack...bats in the house? That happened when I went to a cottage with my friend in 6th grade up in the Thousand Islands (NY). A bat got into the cottage and I remember her dad chasing it around with a broom. It flew into the curtains; I can't remember if he killed it (oh no!) or trapped it somehow to release it (I hope so!). I hope your problem resolves itself soon!

8/17/2006 11:47 AM  
Blogger Teacher lady said...

Ooh, a former boss once had a bat "infestation" - apparently, the male and female bats had holed up (no pun intended) in his neighbor's house and the younger male bats used his house as their occasional bacholor pad. He had to have "the bat man" make a house call, and it was $400, just for an assessment. Fatal blow to the head is much, much cheaper.

8/18/2006 2:38 PM  
Blogger harpo the dog said...

when we lived in ca, we came home to a bat doing donuts over our bed, eeek. We managed to get it to fly into another room by turning off the lights and turning on the other room lights(or is that backwards?) We found it the next day hanging on the window screen, scary thing was, the window (the louvered kind) was shut. I guess they can squeeze through very small spaces.

8/22/2006 9:35 AM  
Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

oh my god, do i know this one...

i was raised in an old colonial house in northeast Ohio - lots of bats. we'd have a poor bat in the house at least once a year and the place would BREAK OUT in sheer panic and terror. My mother (AND FATHER) and siblings running and screaming!!! DRAMA AT THE MOST HUMBLE.

I also hit my Dad in the head with a tennis racket. I'm glad to know that we're not alone. :)

8/23/2006 6:19 PM  

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