O freaking Lay

Is it someone's idea of a very cruel joke to give us a long weekend, complete with record-breaking heat and then make us go back to school on Tuesday? Cuz it's not very funny. I'm trying to wrap things up, have a fiesta with the kids on Friday, review on Monday, finals on Tues. and Wed. I have all of their workbooks to correct, some dumb poetry project I assigned, several sets of quizzes and tests- and oh, my youngest child is "graduating" from kindergarten. gah.

Here are some things I hate:

1. The words "Can we have a pinata?" I know, it seems un-Spanish teacherish of me, the industry equivalent of being un American, but a room full of dopey teenagers, one of them blindfolded, dizzy, and wielding a baseball bat, whacking the hell out of a papier mache donkey? Um, no. Not to mention the greed-inducing behavior spawned from the explosion of 3rd rate discount candy that turns to sugary dust when it hits the floor.

2. "Is there any extra credit I can do?" Oh, sure, you've jacked around all semester long, now why don't you pull some extra credit project out of your ass and I'll bring that D right up to an A.

3. "Are we doing anything today?" No, absolutely nothing. That's what they pay me for. We are just going to sit and watch paint dry for 90 minutes.

4. "Are we going to do anything FUN today?" Yes, because now that you are in high school, it's just a big carnival every damn day. Bring in a funnel cake, slurp a lemon shake-up, I'll make you some balloon animals.

5. "Let's take a field trip to Mexico." Yeah, cuz that will be so inexpensive and totally do-able. I'd love to take a class of 26 minors out of the country - especially to a place that has no drinking age.

6. "Let's have a fiesta." To me, this means making and sampling food that is actually eaten or at least resembles food eaten in the countries where the language I teach is spoken. To my students, this means bringing chips and salsa and a 2 liter of Pepsi, but no cups because the kid who said he'd bring them forgot them.

I'm sure I could think of more, but these are the most relevant in my life right now.

Peeps Show

Ok, for all of you faithful readers (ok, I know there are only a handful of you, but indulge me)you may remember from a previous post that I had promised you some more Peeps bidness. Well, unfortunately, I am techno-impaired and had no idea how to actually make that happen. So, after a little hand-wringing and looking at the ?Help section on Blogger, I think I can do this.

It seems that these people
have way too much freaking time on their hands.

And for that, I am ever grateful.

Book Meme

Just BOLD those you’ve read, ITALICIZE the ones you’ve been meaning to read and ??? the ones you have never heard of. (And of course I made other comments.)Leave them alone if you’ve heard of them, but not been meaning to read them

Alcott, Louisa May–Little Women (loved the movie. I love the IDEA of this book and the story…)
Allende, Isabel–The House of Spirits (I love her)
Angelou, Maya–I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (I read this when I was way too young…)
Atwood, Margaret–Cat’s Eye (A fabulous read, although not for the faint of heart)
Austen, Jane–Emma (Did you know the movie Clueless is loosely based on this book?)
Bambara, Toni Cade–Salt Eaters???
Barnes, Djuna–Nightwood ???
de Beauvoir, Simone–The Second Sex (I actually owned a copy of this along with my subscription to MS magazine.)
Blume, Judy–Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. (What girl who grew up in the 80’s DIDN’T read this? I’d like to know.)
Burnett, Frances–The Secret Garden (Love the Frances Coppola movie, though.)
Bronte, Charlotte–Jane Eyre (not so much a fan of the Brontes....)
Bronte, Emily–Wuthering Heights
Buck, Pearl S.–The Good Earth
Byatt, A.S.–Possession???
Cather, Willa–My Antonia (This is a fabulous book! She is great!)
Christie, Agatha–Murder on the Orient Express (When I was a kid- and remember the made for tv movie???)
Cisneros, Sandra–The House on Mango Street (This is a great read- maybe even for a mother-daughter book group)
Clinton, Hillary Rodham–Living History (I love ya, Hill, but I really don’t want to spend time reading your book)
Cooper, Anna Julia–A Voice From the South ???
Danticat, Edwidge–Breath, Eyes, Memory???
Davis, Angela–Women, Culture, and Politics???
Desai, Anita–Clear Light of Day???
Dickinson, Emily–Collected Poems (Did you know that you can sing all of Emily Dickinson’s poems to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island”? I learned that while on maternity leave and listening to “Connections” on public radio. I don’t know if that makes me really smart, or a complete bonehead.)
Duncan, Lois–I Know What You Did Last Summer (read others by her)
DuMaurier, Daphne–Rebecca (For some reason, I keep combining the author’s name with Rebecca de Mornay, of “love on a real train”/Tom Cruise fame)
Eliot, George–Middlemarch
Emecheta, Buchi–Second Class Citizen ??
Erdrich, Louise–Tracks
Esquivel, Laura–Like Water for Chocolate (And love, love, love the movie!! Magic-realism rocks.)
Flagg, Fannie–Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café (I love me some Fannie Flagg- all of her books. Plus, that woman from The West Wing starred in the movie.)
Friedan, Betty–The Feminine Mystique (For YEARS had my mother’s tattered, hot-pink paperback copy.)
Frank, Anne–Diary of a Young Girl (LOVED this book as a teen- prompted me to keep a diary that had a name)
Gilman, Charlotte Perkins–The Yellow Wallpaper
Gordimer, Nadine–July’s People ?? (have read JUMP! by her)
Grafton, Sue–S is for Silence???
Hamilton, Edith–Mythology
Highsmith, Patricia–The Talented Mr. Ripley
Hooks, Bell–Bone Black ??
Hurston, Zora Neale–Dust Tracks on the Road
Jacobs, Harriet–Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl ??
Jackson, Helen Hunt–Ramona
Jackson, Shirley–The Haunting of Hill House ???
Jong, Erica–Fear of Flying (I remember hearing her name more when I was a kid. )
Keene, Carolyn–The Nancy Drew Mysteries (Used to pretend I WAS Nancy Drew)
Kidd, Sue Monk–The Secret Life of Bees (LOVE this book)
Kincaid, Jamaica–Lucy (She came to the Quad Cities last year as part of a Resident Artist/Writer event)
Kingsolver, Barbara–The Poisonwood Bible (One of the BEST books EVER)
Kingston, Maxine Hong–The Woman Warrior???
Larsen, Nella–Passing ???
L’Engle, Madeleine–A Wrinkle in Time (Read it in 5th grade. Did not fully appreciate it.)
Le Guin, Ursula K.–The Left Hand of Darkness (Love the title, though)
Lee, Harper–To Kill a Mockingbird (Great book, great movie. Atticus Finch should be our president.)
Lessing, Doris–The Golden Notebook
Lively, Penelope–Moon Tiger (I remember very little about this book, though.)
Lorde, Audre–The Cancer Journals ???
Martin, Ann M.–The Babysitters Club Series
McCullers, Carson–The Member of the Wedding (They are the “we” of me….- great book)
McMillan, Terry–Disappearing Acts
Markandaya, Kamala–Nectar in a Sieve???
Marshall, Paule–Brown Girl, Brownstones ???
Mitchell, Margaret–Gone with the Wind (Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen the entire movie in one sitting.)
Montgomery, Lucy–Anne of Green Gables (The whole series- my favorite as a kid- my “summer” books)
Morgan, Joan–When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost ???
Morrison, Toni–Song of Solomon (I can’t get into her)
Murasaki, Lady Shikibu–The Tale of Genji???
Munro, Alice–Lives of Girls and Women
Murdoch, Iris–Severed Head ??
Naylor, Gloria–Mama Day (The Women of Brewster Place was pretty good.)
Niffenegger, Audrey–The Time Traveller’s Wife (Book Club is reading sometime this year…)
Oates, Joyce Carol–We Were the Mulvaneys
O’Connor, Flannery–A Good Man is Hard to Find(was it Dorothy Parker who asked the OTHER question?)
Piercy, Marge–Woman on the Edge of Time (have read others by her. )
Picoult, Jodi–My Sister’s Keeper (I keep meaning to read her stuff)
Plath, Sylvia–The Bell Jar (Scary to think how much is autobiographical)
Porter, Katharine Anne–Ship of Fools
Proulx, E. Annie–The Shipping News (I loved the vehicle of language in this book. Didn’t win a Pulitzer for nuttin’)
Rand, Ayn–The Fountainhead (Had several friends get into this- I tried to read it, but found her to be oppressive.)
Ray, Rachel–365: No Repeats (I watch her on the Food Network, does that count?)
Rhys, Jean–Wide Sargasso Sea
Robinson, Marilynne–Housekeeping (read Gilead, though. Interesting)
Rocha, Sharon–For Laci ???
Sebold, Alice–The Lovely Bones (A beautifully written, albeit disturbing book)
Shelley, Mary–Frankenstein
Smith, Betty–A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (THIS is my all-time favorite book. So many things from it have shaped how I think about life- especially the part about throwing out the coffee.)
Smith, Zadie–White Teeth (Have On Beauty on my nightstand)
Spark, Muriel–The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (I read this right around the time the movie Mona Lisa Smile came out. I get them confused.)
Spyri, Johanna–Heidi (Vividly remember the part about her wanting to touch a glacier and totally not relating….)
Strout, Elizabeth–Amy and Isabelle ???
Steel, Danielle–The House (Embarrassed to say I have read others by her, though not in the last 20 years.)
Tan, Amy–The Joy Luck Club (I love everything she writes. I found it difficult to keep all the Chinese names straight in this one, however.)
Tannen, Deborah–You’re Wearing That (I am a HUGE Deborah Tannen fan. She is so awesome.)
Ulrich, Laurel–A Midwife’s Tale ???
Urquhart, Jane–Away ???
Walker, Alice–The Temple of My Familiar (Read this while in Mexico- a good read. I think I liked The Color Purple better.)
Welty, Eudora–One Writer’s Beginnings (I am more a fan of Eudora Welty the person and not so much into her work, although I have read a fair amount of it. Her photography is now on display at the Figge Art Museum here in the QCA.)
Wharton, Edith–Age of Innocence
Wilder, Laura Ingalls–Little House in the Big Woods
(These books TOTALLY influenced my childhood.)
Wollstonecraft, Mary–A Vindication of the Rights of Women (heard of her, just not the book)
Woolf, Virginia–A Room of One’s Own (I think I read To the Lighthouse- again, I love the IDEA of Virginia Wolf)

The World's Dumbest Toy

I know the Easy Bake Oven is supposed to be a "classic" American toy. It has been around since the 60's and little girls (mostly, since that's who it is marketed towards)all over this great country of ours have been making cakes and other baked goods under a light bulb ever since. However, I think this is quite possibly the DUMBEST toy ever. No, this is not a bitter rant about the fact that I never had one of these (I didn't. My mother thought this was the DUMBEST toy EVER). My daughter does have one, and no, I didn't buy it for her. She won money in a drawing and I let her spend it on whatever she wanted. The packaging makes it look so fun (different from the picture here)- it's a fun pink color, looks kind of like a real microwave or convection oven. It comes with little metal pans and pink mixing tools that bear absolutely no resemblance to any kitchen utensil I've ever seen. And with all of this, comes 2 small packets of cookie mix. Small as in the size of individual packets of hot chocolate small. The directions say to preheat for 15 minutes. Most children do not want to wait that long to bake. Then, they are supposed to mix said mix with 3/4 of a teaspoon of water. Have you ever seen how much water that isn't? After the mixing, they are to put the "dough" in one of the pans that has been sprayed with cooking spray. There is this long, pink (of course) tool, the likes of which I have NEVER seen in any kitchen or bakery, that shoves the pan in the SIDE of the oven- not even the front, the door is fake- and "bake" for 10 minutes.(Actually, the one pictured here looks like forceps.) THEN, they are supposed to shove the pan into the "cooling chamber". (ok, I really don't know for sure if it's called the cooling "chamber" or not, but it's the cooling something.) And THEN after 35 minutes of waiting, waiting, waiting, THEN, your child aged 8+ (that's what it says on the box) can scrape this freshly "baked" cookie out of a minuscule aluminum pan and savor its crispy, sweet, choclaty goodness. I think most children who have had to wait THAT long for a snack will have begun to chew off their own hands at this point.
What to do when the mixes are gone? Well, you can hurry yourself to a KMart-ish type of store and buy you some refills for $4.99. You do get 4 little packages in the big package, but, still.
Who thought up this toy? Who said, "Let's make a toy oven that will bake cookies under a light bulb?" Maybe they were the same people who cook grilled cheese with the iron, or wrap burritoes in foil and put them in the dashboard to warm up all morning....... And WHY should a kitchen appliance EVER be considered a toy?? And I'm not speaking of a safety issue, I'm worried that generations of women have been brainwashed into thinking that an appliance necessary to modern households would ever be considered a "toy"- because as girls we like toys, then we get older and we like us some bling! And if I ever got a toaster, or a blender, or a garbage disposal as a birthday present when expecting , say , a Coach purse, or a bottle of Chanel, that would just NOT fly, people. What are we doing to our girls???
At any rate, I maintain that the Easy Bake Oven is still the DUMBEST toy ever. If any of you have suggestions of others, I welcome them.
PS: The new versions of the Easy Bake Oven are actually called "Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center." Oy.

Ah, Youth

This is one of the reasons why I do love working with my students:
Yesterday in my 4th block class, which is at the end of the day, I was nattering away about something- feeling the gravitational pull of summer almost as strongly as the kids. I posed the obligatory question: "Does anyone have any questions?" (Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?- sometimes I actually say that) And this adorable girl(and by adorable, I mean that she is smart, funny, nicely self confident, a great student) shoots her hand in the air "Oooh! I have one! Ok, I know it doesn't really have anything to do with what we're talking about? But this weekend? We were driving home from Chicago? And we got stuck in traffic? I don't understand how you can be stuck still in traffic when everyone wants to be moving. " What do I say to that? I hate to crush her spirit with a lame "I dunno." , or equally as crushing, "You're right, K, that had NOTHING to do with what we're talking about."
I think we just ended up grinning at each other- hers saying "I know that was really slightly disruptive, but I just had to get it out of my system", and mine saying "I'm too tired to come up with a clever answer, but I really don't mind that kind of disruption sometimes, because you guys are just too sweet."
I know that's not as funny as my snark, but I really do have sweet students. It's graduation time- June 11 is the day and I'm getting invitations to some of the seniors' graduation parties. There are a few kids who I've known since they were in 6th grade, since I switched schools just 3 years ago. So, I'm feeling kind of schmaltzy about them growing up right about now. They're like, almost grownups! And what does that make ME? Like, almost middle-aged! Not that there's anything wrong with being middle aged, just, where did the time go?

Crack Kills

Ladies and Gentlemen, this afternoon, the part of Mrs. T will be played by Crabby Old Lady.
Ok, not really- it seemed clever at the time, but I can't really be so clever as to carry off a new post entirely in Crabby Old Lady character. But some days, I truly feel like one. For instance, I am totally sick of seeing the crack of my students' asses. Honestly, sometimes I think I see more skin on my students' bodies than I do my husband's. The "muffin top" look (waist bulge hanging over pants) is not an attractive one. The thong peeking out over low rise pants that hang so low so as to see ass crack? Not attractive. Tiny shirts that my kindergartener could wear? Only on my kindergartener. I look at some of the kids and I seriously think "sausage casing". And to think- my mother had a friend in high school who got sent home for the day because she wore CULOTTS (oh, the horror!) to school one day. Last year we had a big problem with some of the girls wearing these halter tops that basically just had a front- the back was a string. When I was in high school, we would have died before wearing something sooo potentially embarrassing to school. We wore other things that were embarrassing on many other levels, however. I was a teenager in the 80's- that whole Madonna, slutty little girl look was in, but I didn't partake of that too much. There was Big Hair- or "fuck hair" as we liked to call it in college- you know the bangs teased and sprayed into gravity-defying heights. And who could forget acid washed anything?
Ok, so we had our own Glamour Don'ts going on, but I don't think butt-crack is a look for anyone, anywhere, at any time.
(in Crabby Old Lady voice)
"Back in my day, we got nothing and liked it!" I know it's a bit of a non-sequitur, but it's funny to me.

A Cry for Help!

The generic, boring, uninspired, yet free and easy-to-use template that I have chosen from the good folks at Blogger does not automatically have a "Links" heading on the sidebar, as I'm sure you notice. How does one add this lovely feature so as to easily re-direct people away from my blog? Seriously, anyone out there know how to do this in 3 easy steps? Help!

Mouse Balls

Does anyone else have this problem at their school?
Here's the situation:
1. Kids go to computer lab or LMC (the institution formerly known as the Library).
2. Kids use computers.
3. Kids remove ball from mouse.
4. Mouses (mice? do we really call the plural of computer mouse "mice" ??) no longer function.
5. Media specialist (the entity formerly known as the Librarian) sends email to staff alerting them of problem.
6. Mice are still neutered.

Prompts me to ask:
What do they DO with the mouse balls?
Is there some big Mouse Ball Pit that they sell them to?
A mouse ball underground, black market?
I never SEE any kids with contraband mouse balls....... Are they eating them? Smoking them?
Inhaling them?
Making lampshades out of them?
Are there young bloggers out there who write about stickin it to the man- stealing mouse balls so that they are unable to do assigned project/research?

And what the hell is wrong with ME that I find the two words "mouse balls" to be so freaking hilarious? Too many years teaching middle school, perhaps?

Cowboy Mush: Git along little kitty

This is Our Boy- the one we had before humans. He was originally called Roosevelt- people always asked Teddy or Franklin? The answer would have to be "Greer" , given his size. (20+ pounds). We really just call him Mushy or Mush now. Is this not the funniest picture? He looks like he's posing for it, like it was his choice to don a red cowboy hat. The scale is pretty funny, too, since it looks like a human -sized hat on a gi-normous kitty.

Now, picture him standing over my head in the morning as I am still sleeping. This is what I wake up to- him standing by my head and purring loudly, stomping on the pillows, back and forth between me and my husband. Usually, one of us wakes up to a wall of cat- only white fur in our field of vision. Or, with a proctologist's view of the cat's ass. ("Nice tan!" is what my husband tells him when he does this. He doesn't care.)

For those of you who aren't "cat people", I'm so sorry. I really can't imagine my life without a cat- I'm not opposed to dogs, either- just not quite ready to commit.
I'm one of those "fear of commitment" dog lovers. Or maybe, it's just that I haven't met the right one.

Funny things I've noticed whilst shopping:

1. Big bag of doggie treats called the "Bone-us Bag". The hell? Doggie treats or softcore porn?

2. Reese's new format- "Big Cups- now with Nuts". Appealing to pre-pubescent boys everywhere.

3. Plunger holder "now with style". Yes, a rubber tool used to unclog a toilet that is no doubt clogged with evidence of over-eating at Mexican restaurant will definitely have "style".

4. A "tostonera" (wooden tool to mash plantains to make tostones, a dish native to Puerto Rico, Cuba, and other Central and South American countries) boldly emblazoned with the "Made in Taiwan" logo.

5. American Girl Doll Company products: Made in CHINA. 'Nuf said.

Naughty Textbook?

And so it continues- in the very same chapter of the textbook where we get to ask about going to bed or getting undressed first, today we came across another gem. They are working on command forms (stand up, eat, get dressed, etc.)In one of the activities they were to give the Spanish equivalent of "Don't read Dad's magazines." We all just busted out laughing. There's not much else I can do. Inner Priss be damned.

Oh, that's my Hood Name

Today my students christened me with my very own Hood Name. Awwwwww. (It's Mrs. TaRizzle, BTW). Then they added that I could use it while ghetto fishing.
Tight!

It's Gettin' Hot in Here!

I have several stacks of papers to grade, but find that to be tear-jerkingly boring and tedious, so here I am again.
Today in Spanish 3 we were working our way through the chapter, reviewing reflexive verbs and their accompanying pronouns and where to place aforementioned pronouns, when I came across something that made me question the authors of our textbook- AGAIN. It was one of those controlled practices where they bascically ask and answer the same thing only with different subjects and verbs. A rough translation:

Q: What are you going to do first? Wash your hair or comb your hair?
A: I'm going to wash my hair first.

Right, fine, very benign. Then we get to :

Q: What are you guys going to do first? Go to bed or take off your clothes?

Now, really. This book was written for middle and high school students. Go to bed and take off your clothes? In the same sentence? Was this written by a roomfull of hormone- free eunuchs who have forgotten the plight of the American high schooler coming down off of a weekend full of Prom? We in the trenches, who never have student s open up to page 69- always 68 or 70, would never think of writing such guffaw-inducing material for our students. Between that and the daily announcements read over the PA - looking for hookers for the rugby team, I am completely ineffective. My Inner Priss? She's got her face all pinched up and is breathing in and out of a paper bag. She'll be all right.

Take me out to the ball game- pending loan approval

As if we didn't have enough going on this weekend, what with the first communion (capitalized? ) and soccer and dance practice, we decided to attend a local baseball game on Saturday night. It was a perfect evening- just the right temperature, the stadium is along the river (and when I say "the river", I mean The River of All Rivers- yes, the muddy Mississippi), it's too early for the awful shad flies and ubiquitous mosquitoes, so we were comfortably safe from flying creatures. Our team played South Bend (can't remember the name of the team) Don't get the idea that I'm like all into the whole game itself -I'm actually not much of a sports enthusiast, per se, but the whole experience fulfills some need that I have to go all Americana. Anyway, it was a beautiful evening under the stars. We bought our obligatory $5.00 beer- ok, Wrigley Field, I can maybe understand, but at a Swing game? Come on. We smuggled in peanuts (next time we'll smuggle in beer) and were quite enjoying ourselves until the small children around us began to multiply. I am serious. In a short while, the 6 or 7 munchkins around us turned into like 89 feral pre schoolers, wielding rubber bats and drippy snacks and marginal parents who, when they got wind of a clue, managed a very weak "sorry" when their kids whacked us in the head or knocked our stuff over. One of the dads thought he'd round up the crew and get them settled down by saying "Let's see who can make the best sound of a horse!" Followed by shrieks of neighing (lamely, I might add- damn city kids) and then just shrieks. He tried again with a "who can make the best sound of a chicken?!" Hey, Buddy! How bout a big bag of Shut the Hell Up?
Now, we were sitting very close to the field- right by 3rd base- I have to say, I felt extremely vulnerable. The neighbor boys both brought their mitts- to which my Claire asked, "why? you're not gonna catch anything anyway." Atta girl- bursting bubbles wherever she roams. I really thought one of us was going to take one in the face a couple of times and it brought back years of anxiety ridden softball games in pe class. I was never much for small, hard, fast-moving objects hurtling through the air right at my face. If I caught anything ever at all it was purely for self preservation - not for the good of the team. Competitive I was not.
Are you all familiar with the scam that has invaded malls everywhere, and now sports arenas? It's the Dippin' Dots- it looks like styrofoam packing material and for $5.50 you can get a miniature batting helmet filled with the stuff. It tastes like ice cream with freezer burn and is sooo cold you can't really taste anything for the first few bites.
And our new team name? The Swing? All I can think of is Wayne and Garth (SHA- WING). It's supposed to relate to the long history of music in our community, the S is shaped like a saxophone, yada yada, we have a jazz festival here in July every year. Ok , now the team needs a mascot- you know so some poor sap has to dress up in some goofy costume that'll give him (or her) heatstroke come July. So what- we have a big saxophone with googly eyes? Nah. How about an orangutang- and we'll name him Clyde! What the hell? My guess is they had leftover costumes and that's what we ended up with.
The game ended- I guess we lost- and then there were fireworks, which would have been great except for the child behind us kept screaming "IT'S TOO LOUD!!! COVER MY EYES!!!" And the 2 women who were with her kept up a running loop of "You're doing fine, you're all right, it's almost over, you're ok, look at that one, it's not loud at all.........." Jesus. Was she watching fireworks or having a colonoscopy? Cuz, if I wasn't able to hear the deafening sound of explosives, I just might think she was under going some really awful medical procedure for which she had to be restrained. Imagine all of this with the background music of "You. Shook me All Night Long. Yeah You. Shook me All Night Long." And the fireworks themselves? Seizure inducing. I'm well - versed in the typical midwest Fourth of July fireworks display. Ooooh. Aaaaaah. Ohhhhh. Yayyy. With a finale at the end (because where else would a finale be?) that is comprised of "oh, shit, we've still got 4 boxes of these puppies left and it's 10:30! Let's just light 'em all!" Well, the whole display on Saturday seemed to be just that. No more of this one at a time, it looks like a chrysanthemum, like a shooting star , like a peace sign weenie ass stuff. Not macho enough, I guess.
Oh, and yes, we really did have fun and we can't wait to go again! Any outlet for my snark - I'm there.

(in whiny Seinfeld-esque "Did you ever notice that...." voice): Does anyone else think it's hilarious that the name of the police officer on duty at my school today was Officer Outlaw??? That's his REAL name! Is this a case of one's name dictating one's destiny? Or is he playing with the Fates? He's been at our school before and I can't help but stare at his ID badge- I'm sure he thinks I'm checking him out because he's kind of a hottie. But what I'm really doing is making sure my eyes don't deceive me - that he really IS Officer Outlaw. Doesn't it seem like the name of a stripper or porn star or cartoon character? I am picturing some studly Mr. Sexy Police guy (like what's face's boyfriend in Six Feet Under season 1) with break away uniform pants. Or as a cartoon character- it'd have to be a dog, I think- much in the same vein as Deputy Dawg.

Does anyone else who blogs on Blogger find themself singing "On Blogger" to the tune of "On Broadway" at odd times of day? I do. But then, I am a dork.

On another note, Lydia has been responding to things she doesn't like by saying "Is a no good" in a great, cheesy Italian accent. "Lydia, why aren't you eating your dinner?" "Is a no good." "Lydia, I love the picture you just colored." "Is a no good." She can add that to her ever-growing repertoire of accents- our favorite is the " I love my pony" bit from that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine have dinner with some distant cousin of his and they really step in it when they go on and on about those kids who had ponies when they were little, and didn't you just hate them. That's 2 Seinfeld references in one post- you know, I could write one of those books like the Tao of Homer Simpson or whatever some guy wrote and now has a college class devoted to.

Prom is this weekend. I hope all of my students come back on Monday in one piece and not impregnated.

Things that don't make sense at my school:

1. Today when students and staff parked in the lot we sometimes share with the chiro. college across the street were harassed by power tripping security guy. We were TOLD to park in the lot because the regular parking lot was blocked off for Operation Prom- anti drinking and driving campaign- prom is this weekend.


2. We have many sections of classes that are needed for next year and not enough staff. Superintendent says we can't hire more staff. It's the classic 10 pounds of shit being stuffed into a 5 pound bag. We either need a new bag or less shit. Duh.

3. 2 of our finest sp.ed. teachers are being reassigned because in the process of being audited for some NCLB crap, they determined that these teachers technically weren't qualified to teach what they've collectively been teaching for 30 YEARS.

4. As part of our attendance policy, we are to refer kids to the dean at 3, 6 and 9 absences, because at 10 they are on failing status. So, good students who miss a class 3 times to attend a state swim meet and a band competition are being sent to the dean's office to plead their case and be Made Aware of the Policy.



Parent -teacher conferences were last night- we do them 4 times a year because we are on block scheduling. It's quite the event- the entire staff in the cafeteria and parents vying for 5 minutes of your time so you can blow smoke up their ass about how great their kids are or aren't. Actually, it's kind of interesting to meet the parents- it often times explains a lot. But, we often end up seeing the parents of students who are getting like an A+. What do you say? "Over Achiever is doing great. Keep up the good work!" At any rate, I am absolutely fried today- 30 conferences in 3 hours.